Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
