im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
