It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
