textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
