Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
