Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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