Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
