I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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