Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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