He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
