I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
