Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
