So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
