she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
