I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
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my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
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I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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