I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
no you cant smoke seaweed
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
