First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
