life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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