Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
