I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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