You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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