yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
