Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
