Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
