I need to stop coming to work sober
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
