your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
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I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
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I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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