I haven't been this sober since birth.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I lost the right to judge tonight
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
