hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Mom said you looked used
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
