I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
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Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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