I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
