a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
