he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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