I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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