this just has baby written all over it
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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