i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
