while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
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I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
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Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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