Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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