I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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