When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
