This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
