So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
