there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
