On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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