that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
