By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Also, beer. Big fan.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
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