Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
