He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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