You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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