i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
