so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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