I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
