Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
