i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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