My sheets look like a crime scene.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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