Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
oh god the rape fog is back!
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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