I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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