I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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