dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
