Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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