you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just threw up on my dentist
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
